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It’s 1 am ~ Do You Know Where Your Sanity Is?

22 Nov

As I type this, my beautiful, precious, but not so sweet (nor adorable at this moment) baby girl is hanging from my breast. She is not eating. I am not amused. To hell with the “cherish these moments” bullshit. I’m tired. Actually, “tired” doesn’t even begin to describe my pain and even “exhaustion” leaves something to be desired in it’s definition.

I am a human pacifier and, even playing it for 2 months, I have not come to terms with my new role. Our bedtime routine (and calling it a ‘routine’ is a stretch) goes like this most nights … I feed the girls on the couch for 20-30 minutes, then we head upstairs to put their gowns & swaddle blankets on. Once changed, we head to our room where I nurse them again for 20-30 minutes, at which point they’re sleeping & I lie them down in their bassinet for the night. How sweet, right? This actually worked for a couple nights, but the last several right after that “for the night” part, one or both wakes up screaming just after I’ve settled in next to Hubby and let my tired body begin relaxing my aching back. I give it a few seconds to realize that yes, indeed, this is going to turn into a full cry. I then drag myself out of bed & to the bassinet, try to soothe with pacifiers, rocking, hushing – and then I usually try another nursing session … ya know, because nursing for 60 of the last 70 minutes must not have been enough. After just a few minutes, they’re asleep again, so I try to gently lie them back down. Repeat steps 36 through 38 [bed, Hubby, crying] and eventually end up here … sitting on the couch or floor of the living room – soothing babies.

Right now, Sophie’s in the swing. She’s actually been there since we came downstairs. I put the pacifier in her mouth and she hasn’t peeped since. Miracles do happen. But Livie, *dith* protest too much. And she had been the more agreeable one upstairs! Go figure! We’ve tried the swing 3 times so far, each after I soothed her with the breast. And by “soothe”, I mean she latches on, sucks one good time, her eyes roll back in her head almost immediately and she falls asleep! WTF?!?! I give her a couple minutes, try the swing again and *surprise* Mommy’s still a fool – try again.

So here I sit, another sleepless night. If nipples could get all wrinkly like your skin does in the shower, mine would definitely look like rehydrated raisins. (Actually, I think they already do)

Some nights I give up & take the offending LoveOfMyLife to bed with me. Fine … you gotta have a boobie & I gotta have sleep … let’s make a deal. When both of them are fighting, while possible, it’s hard to actually sleep comfortably.

I do have to admit that the nights have gotten better, there’s no way I would have enough wits to even use this computer now if they hadn’t – it’s just GETTING to the “nights” that are so damn difficult.

Even the days are rough. That garbage they spew about “sleep when the baby sleeps” is impossible when one baby is always awake! I’ve had a couple twin moms try to hammer home with me this schedule BS – how important it is, how to get it going, how to stick with it, and how much of a difference in my life it will make. Oh yes ladies, you helped me plan it all out before the girls were even born! When one woke to eat, I would wake the other to eat as well – then I wouldn’t be spending, literally, all day nursing babies. Great plan! I DO do this … but no one seems to be able to tell me how to make them SLEEP at the same time. Just because I feed them at the same time, doesn’t mean the rest of their schedules are going to fall in line … and I either THOUGHT they would … or it never occurred to me that this could be a problem. During the days, I just beg for an hour of them both napping together – it would give me time to wash their laundry, or hang up mine, or PEE … I’m not even asking for it so I can take a NAP (which I need desperately).

My mother is coming up & will be here tomorrow afternoon for Thanksgiving, and I can’t wait to catch a break. Extra hands are ALWAYS welcome in this house – especially when Daddy’s hands are at work.

I’m sooooooo sleeeeeeeepy. Gonna give this ‘heading to bed’ thing one more shot before I go insane. 1 am actually isn’t too bad … if I could sleep in a little … or get naps during the day to recoup. Any tips on breaking the human pacifier habit will be used and then sold to the highest bidding sleep deprived mom. We may be able to afford that new SUV after all!


Breastfeeding Banned in … PRIVATE?

15 Nov

How private is private when you’re at home?

While I was pregnant with the twins, I mentioned to Hubby that I was not going to be retreating to the bedroom to nurse every time the girls were hungry.  Breasts have always been a very sexual organ in his mind, and I knew this was something I needed to announce.  I didn’t have a problem with either DD, MonkeyFace (13) or DS, PunkBoy (12) seeing me nurse.  I didn’t plan on flaunting my naked breasts or walking around topless, I’d still be discreet – but I wasn’t going to throw a blanket over their head every time they were eating either.  My concern was how my 12 year old stepson, BonkerHead, was going to react – and how Hubby would (or wouldn’t) address it.

Hubby wasn’t thrilled, he wanted to know why I couldn’t just go to the bedroom for feeding time – since that’s what I did when I was pumping for the surrobaby the year before.  In my mind, pumping is completely different.  Breasts HAVE to be hanging out, nipples are being contorted as this machine whirs uncomfortably next to me.  Hell, it’s uncomfortable for ME to watch myself while I’m pumping!  It’s not natural!  Feeding babies is more natural than most anything else we do daily – I refused to hide it as if it were dirty or I should be ashamed.

The first encounter happened in the hospital when the kids visited.  I set myself up to feed them, acting natural.  I could see Hubby a little uncomfortable that his brand new daughters were eating, but not the REAL uncomfortable feeling I was expecting from him.  MF & PB acted as if nothing were different, continuing with whatever activity they had been doing prior.  BH, however, was turned completely sideways on the couch and was staring out the window like there was a circus in the hospital parking lot.  I ignored it & continued nursing as if nothing were wrong.  I later asked Hubby if he had addressed it with him – he had confirmed he was uncomfortable, but didn’t address it further.  As a stepmom, I prefer to tread lightly where BH is concerned, even after 11 years of being in each other’s lives.  Talking about it, “addressing it” myself, seemed to be calling attention to  it – I decided that meeting it head on would make it seem like there was something wrong with it … I would just continue acting it was as natural as it was.

After coming home from the hospital, BH would disappear every time I nursed.  He became a recluse to his room. When he DID come upstairs to go to the kitchen or something, he would loop around the back of the house to avoid me – possibly nursing – in the living room.  Within a week or two, if he was watching a show with us in the living room & feeding time presented itself, he would stay – but slumped down in the couch & never glancing in our direction while speaking.

I don’t know when, exactly, we got over the hump – but the girls are now 8 weeks old & he’ll actually carry on a conversation, making eye contact, while I nurse.  I’m never topless when I feed the girls in front of him, but there is usually some breast exposed if someone were to look.  He doesn’t.

In other “Uncomfortable Breastfeeding Issues in my Own Home” topics … it’s also taken me 8 weeks of training to teach my unsocial butterfly, PunkBoy (an Aspie), that he can NOT kiss the babies on the head while I’m feeding them – and that him sitting beside me, or talking to the babies, or rubbing their heads while I nurse makes me uncomfortable.  That was a problem I never expected.  I must keep reminding myself that “personal space” is nonexistent to him.  I had read posts about woman claiming that they were teenage boys, of course they’d want to sneak of peek of boob if they could – and that thought had me worried about my own son.  Is that why he didn’t have any issues coming so close while I was nursing?  I had the 2 extremes, one who was staying too far away & another who was entirely too close.  This past week I realized, PunkBoy really has no idea when I am nursing and when I’m not.  Once he was talking to Sophie [in his super high pitched baby talk] & said, “Are you upset because you know your sister’s eating right now? Are you jealous?” (I wasn’t feeding Olivia) and another time he asked if I wanted him to bring me the other baby so she could eat too (also wasn’t nursing that time either).  Thank God.

MonkeyFace’s room is upstairs, while the boys are in the basement … I have found myself – first thing in the morning, or last thing at night, running back & forth between our room & the nursery TOPLESS.  Or leaving my bedroom door open while I breastfeed topless.  MonkeyFace never acted like it was any different than me wearing a shirt when she came out of her room one day, & so I’ve continued.  She’ll occasionally come into the nursery or the bedroom to help or tell me something.  It’s another one of those things that makes Hubby uncomfortable.  I’ve tried explaining to him that I have no issues with her seeing me like that.  I’d rather she see my normal body than to grow up with unrealistic expectations of what her own body should look like.  There’s some baby flab here, my boobs aren’t shaped perfectly – EVERYTHING from neck to waist is pretty unattractive these day … and ya know what … it’s all me, it’s all natural, and it’s a part of life … my life.

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